


I'm a First Class Let Down

by ardett



Series: Love is a Polaroid [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“We played really well.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“We lost.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“We all tried our best.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“And we lost.”</i>
</p>
<p>(Asahi deals with loss, shame and guilt after a match, starring Nishinoya.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm a First Class Let Down

**Author's Note:**

> Title shamelessly taken from Love is a Polariod by Imagine Dragons, and part of the thusly named series of one-shots

“Asahi?”

At the sound of Nishinoya’s voice, Asahi merely closes his eyes and sinks further into the gym floor, head banging lightly on the wall. There’s definitely tears forming in the corners of his eyes, betrayers, but Nishinoya is already too close for him to wipe them away inconspicuously.

“Hey Asahi.” He feels Nishinoya’s presence near his right shoulder and though he doesn’t physically stiffen, his heart starts to get that familiar nervous ache. “Are you feeling okay?” Nishinoya asks softly, with that careful edge, for Asahi and to rein in his own disappointment that Asahi knows is there.

“No.” Asahi’s pleasantly surprised by how even the word is. Despite that though, a tear slips down his cheek, silent as a secret. He feel it stripe a line of cool war paint down his heated skin.

Asahi peeks out behind saltwater stained eyelashes and closes his eyes again when he knows Nishinoya is looking at him.

“We played really well.” Nishinoya tries.

“We lost.”

“We all tried our best.”

“And we lost.”

“There was nothing else we could have done.” Nishinoya says firmly but argument rests Asahi’s chest, fueled by his own matching frustration.

“There’s always something more we could have done.”

Nishinoya rounds on him, Asahi can feel the shift in the air, and when he opens his eyes, Nishinoya is glaring at him, angry as thunder. He feels guilty but he’s too beaten to take back the words, too tired to try any harder.

“What’s your problem, Asahi? Stop goddamn moping! So what we lost? Everyone played well, we have nothing to be ashamed of. And next time, we’ll kick their asses!”

“Maybe.”

“No, not maybe! Stop fucking contradicting me!”

“Nishinoya!” Asahi raises his voice and Nishinoya freezes. Asahi slumps back again and Nishinoya follows, shoulder next to Asahi’s. Asahi takes a deep breath. “I- I just… I’m sorry.” He growls a little in frustration at his inadequate self-expression.

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“But I do. That’s why-” Inhale. “I just feel like I should have done more. I should have been better.”

“But we’re a team, Asahi.”

“But I’m the ace, Nishinoya!” Asahi turns to him, catches his eyes, looks away. “I’m supposed to be the best spiker. I’m supposed to help us win. One or two more spikes and we would have won and I didn’t make those. After everyone else worked so hard, especially you, Nishinoya, I didn’t score those points. And we lost.”

“But-”

“I’m the ace. To be this close and lose: That’s my fault. And everyone knows it.” He’s aware of the tears on his face, many now, because his cheeks are wet and Nishinoya’s gaze keeps flickering over to them. Self-consciously, he wipes them away with the back of his hand, like he has pride left to lose.

“No one thinks that.” Nishinoya moves in front of him and Asahi starts to shake his head but Nishinoya interrupts, “No, I’m serious. Everyone knows you did everything you could have out there. No one blames you.”

“I do.”

“Well, I don’t and I’m proud of you, okay?” Nishinoya leans closer, eyes fiery, and Asahi remembers his precedent of not touching Nishinoya too long because he doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable but he’s distracted by the heavy guilt still lurking in his stomach. Nishinoya’s talking distracts him, words that urgently grapple for his attention.

“You’re amazing, no matter what you tell yourself. Nothing you do is going to change that. Everyone can mess up it’s never going to be perfect. And this was not your fault. You’re kind and strong and you were incredible today. Everyday. And I would choose you every time.”

For a second, with heart bursting, tears drying, Asahi has an irrepressible urge to kiss Nishinoya. He clamps down on it hard and shoves it beneath all his other emotions, more guilt, but Nishinoya’s head quirks.

“What? Was it something I said?”

“No, no, I-” Too much all spills out and Asahi loses his feeble hold on the terrible flood. “I just feel like everyone has these huge expectations for me that they just know I’ll meet but it’s so much pressure and stress and then I’m a disappointment and people regret ever trusting me with anything but I don’t want to be a let down, I want to be good enough to be proud of myself and I just feel like a fucking failure all the time and-” Nishinoya opens his mouth to speak but Asahi rushes on, “I’m also in love with you, I think and I’m scared to touch you and look at you too long because I don’t you to hate me and then I’ll be a let down to you too. Except worse. Oh god.”

“Asahi, I-” Nishinoya’s blinking, like he hasn’t understood a word, and Asahi’s anxiety threatens to bubble over into more saltwater. Nishinoya takes Asahi’s hand delicately, glass hand, glass heart, and meets his eyes determinedly. “I will never hate you. Never, alright? That’s the first thing. Next, you are not a failure or a let down. You are enough. You will always be enough because you’re you and I don’t know how to make you understand that but you are, Asahi. There’s so many amazing things about you and one bad moment or day or week doesn’t define you. I wish… I wish you knew how much I look up to you. How much you mean to me. And I love you so much it hurts, Asahi.”

Asahi’s heart burns, like a shock through his veins, before it dulls to an aching throb.

“I-” He stutters, ducking his head down. Nishinoya’s hand still holds his tight. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry.” The laugh in Nishinoya’s voice eases the knotted feeling in Asahi’s shoulders but he doesn’t look up until Nishinoya puts his forehead against Asahi’s, eye to eye. His voice is serious but his eyes are soft. “Do you believe me?”

Nishinoya laces their fingers together, both hands, and squeezes.

“I want to.” Asahi whispers back.

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I know.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“But you don’t believe me.”

“Nishinoya-”

“Asahi, I don’t know how to-” His face twists and his head falls to Asahi’s shoulder. Cloth muffles his words. “You’re everything anyone could ever want. When we lose, we lose as a team. You worked harder than anyone. No one thinks this is your fault. And I don’t know how to prove that to you, Asahi-” Nishinoya’s voice strains. “But it’s true.”

There’s an apology on Asahi’s lips but he swallows it back as he sees Nishinoya peeking up at him. Nishinoya sits up, breathing in deeply. Then, he’s close again and Asahi blinks, eyes widening nervously.

“Can I-” Nishinoya starts, stops, bites his lip with eyes darting downwards.

And he kisses Asahi.

Warmth bubbles up in Asahi’s chest as he kisses back, heat in his veins and rising red in his cheeks, until his heart stretches with the strain of it. Nishinoya’s calloused fingers are rough and strong against Asahi’s skin as he tightens his grip on Asahi’s knuckles.

“Next time, we’ll win.” Nishinoya whispers on Asahi’s lips. When he pulls back, his eyes are full of light and hope and certainty.

“I believe you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I just discovered that if you use rich text instead of html, you don't have to manually code everything in. Which is what I've been doing. Wow.
> 
> FML


End file.
